Don't let the fact that I haven't been posting regularly fool you into thinking that my head's been quiet. It hasn't. In fact, I've been awash in thoughts for several days now. I've been on a real mental roller coaster. Here's a brief recap of what I've been up to:
Waaay back on January 8th I left Boulder and started the drive to Portland, OR. It was a warm day at home, which quickly turned to blustery cold as I drove west across Wyoming. I ended my drive in Twin Falls, Idaho. The next day, I woke up and headed out of Twin Falls. Out of nowhere comes this enormous canyon that I couldn't see when I drove into town the night before because of the pitch black. This, I would later learn, is the Snake River canyon that Evel Knievel tried to jump on his "Skycycle" back in 1974. Just after I crossed the bridge, I pulled over to check it out from the observation area. Not long after that, a base jumper hurled himself from the bridge and floated down to the canyon floor. Later that evening, in a small world example, I heard the song Original Stuntmaster by AiM, which consists of part of the interview Evel about the jump. I also saw sheep that day. As driving days go, it was a good one.
The Portland seminars were more tiring than usual. Portland is a city full of very savvy bike people. It's consistently rated the most cycling friendly city in the country, and it's probably the closest thing we have to the culture of cycling that exists in Europe. Because of that, the crowd we faced was a very knowledgeable one, and didn't have time for a lot of fluff. They wound up sucking a lot of energy from Karl and I, and we both felt it the next day. The crowd on day 2 was slightly more subdued, which was good because we were both wiped out from the day before. After we packed up, we headed south to Corvallis, OR; Karl's hometown.
Karl with a K (as he's popularly known in the industry) lived in Corvallis until he graduated from high school. After that, he set off on his big adventure. Along the way, he became the mechanic for the Schwinn MTB team, later Gary Fisher (during which time he was Paola Pezzo's mechanic during her gold medal Olympic year), then on to the GT team, which included Steve Peat. Basically, he's been a pro mechanic on various race teams, and the World Cup circuit for around 20 years. After an absence lasting the same amount of time, Karl moved back to Corvallis. He's lived in many places, including a 9 year stint in Boulder, and a short stay in the Peaks where he wrenched for Tim Gould. I've found out that we have many mutual friends, including one John North.
So I've been at Karl's place since last Wednesday. We've done a road ride, a wet and soggy mtb ride, gone to the Oregon coast, which I've never seen, and today drove over to Bend to ride the slopes of Mt. Bachelor. It hasn't been a dull stay here.
During all of this, I've found myself to be in and out of a state of melancholy. I've been bothered by a handful of things, which are generally the same things that have bothered me for some time:
1) My physical fitness-particularly in light of the fact that my last several rides have been much harder than they should have been. I stayed pretty active over the holidays, and feel as though I'd stayed on the couch the whole time instead.
2) Photography-because of #1, I really feel like I miss out on a lot of picture opportunities. I just don't ride fast enough to keep up with people, and I don't really ride with people who understand how much I like taking pictures. I don't get to practice much as a result, and I see Dan's shots and realize that given my current circumstances, I'm not going to be that good. It's made me give some serious consideration to not even trying anymore, and sticking to benign things like nature shots.
3) The Chippendale-I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop-the day I hear/find out that he's got another girlfriend. Although he says this isn't something he wants, I really have a hard time believing that it won't happen. The reason this has been on my mind is because I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to respond to this when it does happen. I wish it weren't on my mind at all. I wish the whole subject were something I could just get over. Every time I think it's getting better, I have periods like this which are just as bad as it's ever been. I'm really quite pissed off about my own inability to just deal with it, already. Blah blah, whine whine. Geez.
4) Feeling unsettled-I would so love to take a photography class, among other things. I move around way to much to do anything like that. I'm definitely having an 'it's not all glamour' moment. I really do like my job, overall. I guess it's only natural to wish I had more time for my own pursuits when I'm constantly on the go. I don't right now, and I can't see that changing unless I quit my job. Not to mention...
5) A small amount of anxiety over what's going to happen in 2006-This year is already moving by so quickly. The fact that my UK trip has turned into a vacation being paid for by someone else, in exchange for nothing, has me worried that my one chance to 'impress' people in the UK office has just flown the coop. I'm having a hard time getting any sort of reply from the folks there about stopping in for a visit, or even doing some shop visits that were on the schedule before the main event was cancelled. I say a small amount of anxiety because I'm not feeling overly stressed at the moment about this. I think I have enough fans here that will help me make the move when it's time. I would just be happier if I knew that I was in any sort of demand over there.
Ok, that's probably enough ranting/whinging for one post. The day's activities have left me quite tired, so it's time for me to get to sleep.
This time next week, I'll be somewhere in the UK.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Popular with the ladies
Figured I was overdue for a post. In the last couple of days I've been taking care of some much needed errands, including getting my Colorado drivers license and license plates. I've had an interesting reaction over giving up my New Jersey license and plates. As silly as it seems, I feel like I've suddenly severed the ties to my home State. I say it's silly because I haven't actually lived there for a very long time, but I've always considered it to be where I'm from, and the plates and license were what showed that I was from there. It was a weird source of pride for me, if for no other reason than to demonstrate that not everyone from Jersey is a member of the Mafia.
When I was on the road over the summer, people would ask me where I'm from, and I'd say New Jersey. The reaction was always sort of luke warm. When they'd ask Chrissy and found out she was from Victoria, they reacted with much more delight. As soon as I moved and told people where I lived, I got the same reaction that Chrissy was getting about Victoria. New Jersey isn't a very exciting place for most people. My guess is they've never been there and believe what they hear, or they've flown into Newark airport which is in the armpit of the State, and that's what they think the whole place is like. I really like being from there, even though there's nothing there right now (outside of family) that makes me want to live there now.
I suppose it's just a case of never really forgetting where you're from.
When I was on the road over the summer, people would ask me where I'm from, and I'd say New Jersey. The reaction was always sort of luke warm. When they'd ask Chrissy and found out she was from Victoria, they reacted with much more delight. As soon as I moved and told people where I lived, I got the same reaction that Chrissy was getting about Victoria. New Jersey isn't a very exciting place for most people. My guess is they've never been there and believe what they hear, or they've flown into Newark airport which is in the armpit of the State, and that's what they think the whole place is like. I really like being from there, even though there's nothing there right now (outside of family) that makes me want to live there now.
I suppose it's just a case of never really forgetting where you're from.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Reason #752 why I should just keep my mouth shut
I've learned a harsh lesson in the last year, mostly because of our most recent presidential election. I never understood the notion that something silly like politics could divide family members, but now I know from personal experience how this is possible.
I've had a lot of wine this evening...
I just got back from an otherwise pleasant Christmas evening with my brother and his family. My brother has become a rather surly individual as he's gotten older. I'm sure this stems from having his own business, and his constant dealings with the Philadelphia gentry and their constant demands for lower prices when they need landscaping work done on their summer homes at the shore. I can see how he's become a hard man from all of those dealings. Tonight, I made the mistake of bringing up politics. It was a complete accident. My brother tends to think of such things on a more local level, where my focus tends more the more national and international side. What I learned this evening is that I should never, EVER launch into a discussion of politics. Not even with my own brother, who I normally categorize (only half in jest) as the family redneck.
I'm less frustrated at the fact that he and I are on somewhat different sides of the political debate (although less so than I had originally thought) than I am about the fact that I just don't know shit about articulating my own opinions. I read a lot of books, and a lot of websites, and I am very clearn internally about how I feel. Yet when it comes to defending my position, or even suggesting that someone else should really reconsider, I become this unintelligible and boneless mass of flesh. This really pisses me off. I suddenly feel yet another level of envy about people who are able to succinctly state their opinion, and back it up with quantifiable data. All that happened tonight was that I said some things not very well, realzed it, and then sat there closed-mouthed while my brother listed the reasons why he decides the way he does.
What I do, is just read all the quantifiable data, and then forget the ability to think when confronted with the opposite side of the debate. In this case, what little chance I had to make the attempt at opening my brother's eyes probably did little more than cement the notion in his head that I'm still only 12 years old. What an idiot. This time, I mean me.
I caught myself thinking of how Andy Armstrong would respond in a similar situation. Andy is one of the best debaters I've ever had the privilege to meet and listen to. I know he would have been able to listen to my brother, and addressed each and every point in a way that would have been clear and consise. 'I agree with you on points 1, 4, and 5, but on 2 and three you are wrong, and here's why...'.
I couldn't do that. It's hitting me pretty hard. I'm sitting here wondering what the point of all my reading is. Why do I even bother trying to educate myself about something like this when all that happens is that rather than me demostrating my intellectual capacity, I just make myself look like even more of an idiot. Then, I beat myself up for being stupid in the first place.
I fucking hate politics. If there's any sort of moral to be had here, it's that my idea of just burying my head in the sand is one I should have stuck to a long time ago. I think it's high time I did that now, and leave the discussion to people who are much smarter than I am. This country is going into the shitter really quickly, and we're trying to bring everyone else down with us. I've become so cynical about the end result. I really don't think the people that give a damn will every be in a position to do anything about it. Instead, people like Bush and his friends will always run the show and do whatever the hell they want. I think I should just focus on being one of the people that doesn't get in their way, rather than someone who actually expresses any discontent.
Merry 'effing Christmas.
I've had a lot of wine this evening...
I just got back from an otherwise pleasant Christmas evening with my brother and his family. My brother has become a rather surly individual as he's gotten older. I'm sure this stems from having his own business, and his constant dealings with the Philadelphia gentry and their constant demands for lower prices when they need landscaping work done on their summer homes at the shore. I can see how he's become a hard man from all of those dealings. Tonight, I made the mistake of bringing up politics. It was a complete accident. My brother tends to think of such things on a more local level, where my focus tends more the more national and international side. What I learned this evening is that I should never, EVER launch into a discussion of politics. Not even with my own brother, who I normally categorize (only half in jest) as the family redneck.
I'm less frustrated at the fact that he and I are on somewhat different sides of the political debate (although less so than I had originally thought) than I am about the fact that I just don't know shit about articulating my own opinions. I read a lot of books, and a lot of websites, and I am very clearn internally about how I feel. Yet when it comes to defending my position, or even suggesting that someone else should really reconsider, I become this unintelligible and boneless mass of flesh. This really pisses me off. I suddenly feel yet another level of envy about people who are able to succinctly state their opinion, and back it up with quantifiable data. All that happened tonight was that I said some things not very well, realzed it, and then sat there closed-mouthed while my brother listed the reasons why he decides the way he does.
What I do, is just read all the quantifiable data, and then forget the ability to think when confronted with the opposite side of the debate. In this case, what little chance I had to make the attempt at opening my brother's eyes probably did little more than cement the notion in his head that I'm still only 12 years old. What an idiot. This time, I mean me.
I caught myself thinking of how Andy Armstrong would respond in a similar situation. Andy is one of the best debaters I've ever had the privilege to meet and listen to. I know he would have been able to listen to my brother, and addressed each and every point in a way that would have been clear and consise. 'I agree with you on points 1, 4, and 5, but on 2 and three you are wrong, and here's why...'.
I couldn't do that. It's hitting me pretty hard. I'm sitting here wondering what the point of all my reading is. Why do I even bother trying to educate myself about something like this when all that happens is that rather than me demostrating my intellectual capacity, I just make myself look like even more of an idiot. Then, I beat myself up for being stupid in the first place.
I fucking hate politics. If there's any sort of moral to be had here, it's that my idea of just burying my head in the sand is one I should have stuck to a long time ago. I think it's high time I did that now, and leave the discussion to people who are much smarter than I am. This country is going into the shitter really quickly, and we're trying to bring everyone else down with us. I've become so cynical about the end result. I really don't think the people that give a damn will every be in a position to do anything about it. Instead, people like Bush and his friends will always run the show and do whatever the hell they want. I think I should just focus on being one of the people that doesn't get in their way, rather than someone who actually expresses any discontent.
Merry 'effing Christmas.
[Insert politically correct term for 'Merry Christmas' here]
Well Merry Christmas, everyone! And Happy Holidays to all of my non-Christian friends.
So there's this micro brewery in Vermont called Magic Hat. I've always enjoyed their ales, and in my search for a last-chance six pack of some pumpkin ale, I came across Magic Hat's winter brew called Jinx, 'an Ale inspired by the doctrines of medieval chemists'. It's not a pale ale. I guess it would fall under the category of a dark ale. Either way, it's yummy. It comes pretty close to the stuff I really like in the UK. I should probably get another sixer before it goes by the 'seasonal' wayside.
I hope everyone had fun on Christmas. The best gift I got (other than a surprise call from Chipps) was a Lens Baby. It's something that Brad from Dirt Rag turned me on to at Interbike. It's all manual, right down to having to change the aperture yourself by putting different sized aperture rings in front of the optic. I really like the effect that you can create with them, though. No doubt I'll post some things to Flickr once I'm home and experimented some.
Speaking of home...It's been nice being here with the 'rents. I'm always happy to see them, and of course my dog is here. I wish I could have him with me, but he's happy here, and my folks are happy to have him. I've always heard that dogs can contribute to longevity of life. I don't like to think about how sad my parents (and the mini dog) would be if Frazier wasn't here anymore. It's easier for me to only see him every once in a while, than to put anyone through that.
So I'm home to Boulder in 4 days. CJ and I are planning to have a New Year's party, and with any luck I won't have to run off to Boise right after that.
I think it's time for another Jinx.
So there's this micro brewery in Vermont called Magic Hat. I've always enjoyed their ales, and in my search for a last-chance six pack of some pumpkin ale, I came across Magic Hat's winter brew called Jinx, 'an Ale inspired by the doctrines of medieval chemists'. It's not a pale ale. I guess it would fall under the category of a dark ale. Either way, it's yummy. It comes pretty close to the stuff I really like in the UK. I should probably get another sixer before it goes by the 'seasonal' wayside.
I hope everyone had fun on Christmas. The best gift I got (other than a surprise call from Chipps) was a Lens Baby. It's something that Brad from Dirt Rag turned me on to at Interbike. It's all manual, right down to having to change the aperture yourself by putting different sized aperture rings in front of the optic. I really like the effect that you can create with them, though. No doubt I'll post some things to Flickr once I'm home and experimented some.
Speaking of home...It's been nice being here with the 'rents. I'm always happy to see them, and of course my dog is here. I wish I could have him with me, but he's happy here, and my folks are happy to have him. I've always heard that dogs can contribute to longevity of life. I don't like to think about how sad my parents (and the mini dog) would be if Frazier wasn't here anymore. It's easier for me to only see him every once in a while, than to put anyone through that.
So I'm home to Boulder in 4 days. CJ and I are planning to have a New Year's party, and with any luck I won't have to run off to Boise right after that.
I think it's time for another Jinx.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Seasonaly dysfunctional
I watched TV tonight. Might not seem like a big deal but it's the first effort I've made to watch TV in quite some time. Since it's Christmas time, there were obviously lots of commercials that reflected the season. My birthday is in 7 days, and I really don't feel like it should be either Christmas, or my birthday time of year. I can't figure out if this is a reflection of me just not really being all that bothered about the holidays, or if it's because I'm not home long enough (or at all) to really get into the festive spirit. Right now, I have no spirit whatsoever. If anything, I'm sort of just hoping the holidays will hurry up and go away.
What upsets me the most about this, is that I've always been someone who really got into the holiday mood, and something changed a few years ago that just completely sapped any desire I had to be festive. I don't really know what that something was. I just seem to regard the whole time of year as more of a hassle than something to be happy about.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday, not because I have some hang up about getting older, but because there's no one 'special' in my life to share it with anymore, and more than likely I'll be driving alone somewhere across the nothingness of western Utah on my way back to Boulder. I'm sure I'll spend some time shrouded in 'this time last year' syndrome, when things were much different. That all makes me very sad...for lots of reasons.
My mom is after me for some Christmas ideas. I just don't really want anything. Well, that's not true. I want lots of expensive camera equiment that I won't ask my parents for, and I want to be back in the UK, which is obviously something they can't help me with. I just don't really want any 'crap'. My mother makes a big deal out of Christmas, and she really doesn't accept me saying that I don't really want anything. It makes her happy to shop for presents, and I've had to try and make an effort to give her some ideas. I don't want her to spend money on me, but it makes her happy to do so, and if I insisted that she not do anything, she'd be upset. The best present I can give her, are suggestions for what to get me.
I just need to get through January. I have too much anticipation going on about a conversation that is supposed to happen. I don't have any idea what the outcome will be, but it's the most important discussion that will have happened in a long time. There's a lot riding on it, and I'm terrified that I'm setting myself up for failure. I almost wish my January trip were already over, because at least then I'd have a clearer picture of my future employment.
I really should stop drinking so much wine. It's near impossible to avoid when you are staying with California locals.
What upsets me the most about this, is that I've always been someone who really got into the holiday mood, and something changed a few years ago that just completely sapped any desire I had to be festive. I don't really know what that something was. I just seem to regard the whole time of year as more of a hassle than something to be happy about.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday, not because I have some hang up about getting older, but because there's no one 'special' in my life to share it with anymore, and more than likely I'll be driving alone somewhere across the nothingness of western Utah on my way back to Boulder. I'm sure I'll spend some time shrouded in 'this time last year' syndrome, when things were much different. That all makes me very sad...for lots of reasons.
My mom is after me for some Christmas ideas. I just don't really want anything. Well, that's not true. I want lots of expensive camera equiment that I won't ask my parents for, and I want to be back in the UK, which is obviously something they can't help me with. I just don't really want any 'crap'. My mother makes a big deal out of Christmas, and she really doesn't accept me saying that I don't really want anything. It makes her happy to shop for presents, and I've had to try and make an effort to give her some ideas. I don't want her to spend money on me, but it makes her happy to do so, and if I insisted that she not do anything, she'd be upset. The best present I can give her, are suggestions for what to get me.
I just need to get through January. I have too much anticipation going on about a conversation that is supposed to happen. I don't have any idea what the outcome will be, but it's the most important discussion that will have happened in a long time. There's a lot riding on it, and I'm terrified that I'm setting myself up for failure. I almost wish my January trip were already over, because at least then I'd have a clearer picture of my future employment.
I really should stop drinking so much wine. It's near impossible to avoid when you are staying with California locals.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Cone factory
If you asked me what my strengths are, among the short list I'd give you would be public speaking and my sense of humor. I've had my sense of humor while presenting come under fire. I think I've pissed more people off in the last few weeks than I have ever in my lifetime, all while trying to get people to laugh. This is definitely a case of the bad apples spoiling the bunch, but it's hitting me pretty hard. I'm obviously not trying to offend anyone, yet I've managed to do so in probably every seminar I've done this winter.
The worst example of this came to my attention today after getting a request from Zap to call him. Evidently, a guy from the Santa Monica session wrote him a 500 word email complaining about me and saying how pissed off he was at Trek. I was heckling the guy after a comment he made, which he returned in kind. Then his co-workers got involved and suddenly, he was pissed. So Zap gets the email today, which is a week after this happened. The guy has been seething about this for that long. He was telling Zap that he rode all the way there and all the way back, in the cold. Santa Monica. Southern California. Cold? Suddenly, I am the embodiment of Trek, and his whole attitude towards the company has changed because I was giving the guy a hard time. I honestly can't figure out how some people could be so easily offended.
The worst part about this is that it carries so much more weight with me than the positive comments I've gotten, and I have gotten some. I guess I expect myself to do a good job, so when someone suggests that I'm not, and they do so in an unreasonable fashion, it's frustrating on many levels. I welcome constructive criticism, but this sort of thing, I take personally.
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Ever notice how powerlines ruin otherwise very picturesque scenes that would make a nice photo? I think this electricity thing is getting out of hand.
The worst example of this came to my attention today after getting a request from Zap to call him. Evidently, a guy from the Santa Monica session wrote him a 500 word email complaining about me and saying how pissed off he was at Trek. I was heckling the guy after a comment he made, which he returned in kind. Then his co-workers got involved and suddenly, he was pissed. So Zap gets the email today, which is a week after this happened. The guy has been seething about this for that long. He was telling Zap that he rode all the way there and all the way back, in the cold. Santa Monica. Southern California. Cold? Suddenly, I am the embodiment of Trek, and his whole attitude towards the company has changed because I was giving the guy a hard time. I honestly can't figure out how some people could be so easily offended.
The worst part about this is that it carries so much more weight with me than the positive comments I've gotten, and I have gotten some. I guess I expect myself to do a good job, so when someone suggests that I'm not, and they do so in an unreasonable fashion, it's frustrating on many levels. I welcome constructive criticism, but this sort of thing, I take personally.
---------
Ever notice how powerlines ruin otherwise very picturesque scenes that would make a nice photo? I think this electricity thing is getting out of hand.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Bansai Sheep
It's been ages since I posted an update. I've had 3 glasses of some fine Pinot from a vineyard I went to yesterday, so I'm drunk enough to open the thought gates.
I'm sitting here at Chez Bontrager and enjoying the spoils of Santa Cruz. Keith isn't here and I haven't actually seen him. He left for Pittsburgh before I got here yesterday. He's there for the weekend, then he's off to the UK. He left plenty of good food to eat, though. Nevertheless, I've already expressed my displeasure at him not being here and offering me the 'shoulder to cry' on that I need after my trip. Lucky git...he gets to go to the very place I'd be crying about. The good news is, I get to hang out with Laura and the girls. I always have a good time with Laura. She's just one of those people who is so easy to talk to about anything. She's a good friend, and one I wish I could spend more time with.
I had a fantastic time on my trip to my adopted land. It's like your favorite pair of shoes that fits perfectly no matter how much time has passed since the last time you wore them. The trip did nothing but solidify my desire to be back there on a more permanent basis.
Geez, that was fun. It was so great to see everyone, event though most of the time spent was way too short.
Bring on January!
I'm sitting here at Chez Bontrager and enjoying the spoils of Santa Cruz. Keith isn't here and I haven't actually seen him. He left for Pittsburgh before I got here yesterday. He's there for the weekend, then he's off to the UK. He left plenty of good food to eat, though. Nevertheless, I've already expressed my displeasure at him not being here and offering me the 'shoulder to cry' on that I need after my trip. Lucky git...he gets to go to the very place I'd be crying about. The good news is, I get to hang out with Laura and the girls. I always have a good time with Laura. She's just one of those people who is so easy to talk to about anything. She's a good friend, and one I wish I could spend more time with.
I had a fantastic time on my trip to my adopted land. It's like your favorite pair of shoes that fits perfectly no matter how much time has passed since the last time you wore them. The trip did nothing but solidify my desire to be back there on a more permanent basis.
Geez, that was fun. It was so great to see everyone, event though most of the time spent was way too short.
Bring on January!
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