I'm locked in the throes of a personal battle. Facing insecurities could possibly be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I think I've pinpointed the origin of where my low self-esteem started. Suffice to say it was years ago, and I've gone back and forth since then between being really secure and being well, not so secure about myself. Right now I'm in one of those 'not so much' phases. I can't figure out why I'm getting the best of myself right now, either. I've just started making the move to Boulder, I really like this town, I really like my place, and I have an ace roommate. Things have fallen into place so easily that it's alarming. Yet, over the past few days I've been letting a feeling of lonliness get the better of me. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I was thrown out of what I thought was a good relationship, and I've been asking myself what I could have done to prevent it. Mostly, I think that I just wasn't good enough. Not being good enough has been a pretty common theme for me when it comes to relationships. I've been plagued by having a slew of friends who are much more...desireable, shall we say. Sometimes being a tower over all of your shorter, cuter friends has major drawbacks. And, like someone else I know, I don't think I'm willing to compromise myself, at least not in a way that makes me temporarily attractive during one night out on the lash. I certainly can't do anything about my height, and being tall is an aspect that I've learned to embrace for the most part.
I'm really just having a pity party for myself at the moment. I'm pretty sure that it stems from yet another rejection from someone with whom I shared a long relationship. My reaction to it ending has evolved very slowly, and I think what I'm experiencing now is a delayed sorrow. I think this phase is even worse than the "day after" part. On top of that, I'm feeling pretty cut off from my friends, despte the fact that we keep in touch regularly. It seems that I need a big group hug.
I haven't gotten to see enough sheep, either.
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7 comments:
Hey being tall is cool :)
Try http://www.32sixteen.com/lambs.jpg
for sheep therapy.
Maybe your thinking is skewiff. Don't feel guilt for other peoples shortcomings and insecurity.
Chris - I just read your note and Nick's reply. He has it crack on.
You have loads of loving friends over here NONE of them think you stepped out of line.
Hurry back to see us soon
Chris, chin up, it could be worse you could be a 6ft1 male with comedy short legs, 9 fingers and a bad attitude.
Oh.
;0)
Hey, you.
I may be 14 years older than you, but I look up to you (no pun intended). I've told you before that I admire your zest for life, your sense of humor and your assertiveness, and I wish I had as much self-confidence as you do. I see it - I just want you to see it as well. You are a wonderful aunt to your niece and nephew and bring a fresh perspective to certain situations that sometimes I feel I am unable to handle. I love you, you big wingnut....and I'm not just saying that because I'm your sister.
Dufus
It's quite endearing how wrong people can be when critiquing themselves, but I suppose it's necessary. If we didn't have self doubt we'd all be fighting each other in the certain belief that we are the greatest and know our own ideas to be the truth. What am I trying to say? That what you're thinking and feeling is totally natural, it just happens to be wrong in the opinion of many others.
Oh, I have no new sheep photos, will try to do better next ride.
Posting here in response to your email Chris because I dont think my system will let me speak to you anymore, at least from work that is .
Been away in Scotland for a holiday, a great time, watched dolphins and canoed in the sea, climbed mountains, went to art galleries, got drunk, had great meals out etc etc
Everything is okay now, been given the green light to carry on as normal in every way, my heart beat is in an abnormal rythym but nothing to worry about
Things okay with you ?, I do so hope so after reading sheep blog recently, makes me very sad to hear you are down, so take a slap and a big hug
Looking forward to seeing you soon
Steve
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