I watched TV tonight. Might not seem like a big deal but it's the first effort I've made to watch TV in quite some time. Since it's Christmas time, there were obviously lots of commercials that reflected the season. My birthday is in 7 days, and I really don't feel like it should be either Christmas, or my birthday time of year. I can't figure out if this is a reflection of me just not really being all that bothered about the holidays, or if it's because I'm not home long enough (or at all) to really get into the festive spirit. Right now, I have no spirit whatsoever. If anything, I'm sort of just hoping the holidays will hurry up and go away.
What upsets me the most about this, is that I've always been someone who really got into the holiday mood, and something changed a few years ago that just completely sapped any desire I had to be festive. I don't really know what that something was. I just seem to regard the whole time of year as more of a hassle than something to be happy about.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday, not because I have some hang up about getting older, but because there's no one 'special' in my life to share it with anymore, and more than likely I'll be driving alone somewhere across the nothingness of western Utah on my way back to Boulder. I'm sure I'll spend some time shrouded in 'this time last year' syndrome, when things were much different. That all makes me very sad...for lots of reasons.
My mom is after me for some Christmas ideas. I just don't really want anything. Well, that's not true. I want lots of expensive camera equiment that I won't ask my parents for, and I want to be back in the UK, which is obviously something they can't help me with. I just don't really want any 'crap'. My mother makes a big deal out of Christmas, and she really doesn't accept me saying that I don't really want anything. It makes her happy to shop for presents, and I've had to try and make an effort to give her some ideas. I don't want her to spend money on me, but it makes her happy to do so, and if I insisted that she not do anything, she'd be upset. The best present I can give her, are suggestions for what to get me.
I just need to get through January. I have too much anticipation going on about a conversation that is supposed to happen. I don't have any idea what the outcome will be, but it's the most important discussion that will have happened in a long time. There's a lot riding on it, and I'm terrified that I'm setting myself up for failure. I almost wish my January trip were already over, because at least then I'd have a clearer picture of my future employment.
I really should stop drinking so much wine. It's near impossible to avoid when you are staying with California locals.
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11 comments:
ask your folks to get you a polarising filter ;-)
mid priced and something you need
OH Chris you're not a happy bunny.
Ask your Mum to cook you a Sunday roast with Yorkshire Puddings.... or a polarising filter (don't eat the latter though).
[I hate the 'holiday' season too]
We saw some crap the other day that was so you we just had to buy it for you.
Everyone goes through the 'holidays are crap' phase, it returns later in life if you have kids. It's normal.
Your a fantastic, talented person and you've already made one huge career change successfully. So what's the big deal about the next hurdle, -you can't dictate the future, but you can apply your attitude to life to whatever result and make it part of life's rich and varied journey. Just look round with those gorgeous jeez-they're-just-brown eyes and see how many friends you have and how much we all care about you.
Apply some of the very logical things you told me to your own life.
Your Mum could get you something pink and warm for English weather
While on a solo cross country trip, I spent a birthday camping near the Slickrock trail. I slept out under the open sky, just me and the stars. Although I did miss my friends (two and four legged), there was something really special about being out in the desert alone that night.
Grab yourself a little sweet thing, a favorite beverage, or whatever makes you happy, watch the sunset, and enjoy. Your friends will be waiting when the trip is finished.
Oh yeah, and pick up a copy of Eddward Abbey's Desert Solitare at the Colorado National Monument parks giftshop.
Either you are suggesting that I become a lesbian, or that I get a bunch of chocolate.
:~)
Woo, yay. Chocolate lesbians :-)
so I wandered over from dirtrag, and what do I see? a post that describes christmas almost exactly how I see it. December is my birthday month too, its my first december living on my own, and Christmas is just turning out to be a big hassle. I'm trying to find good "Activist"-like arguments for how I feel like "its not christmas, its retailers day!" but I'm not really getting anywhere.
I think for some people Christmas is more for the people around them, than for, well, them. I think I'm just going to have to put up with my mom's strange crap presents just because it makes her happy.
Sooner or later, it'll all be over all on its own. I dunno, just a thought.
Interesting coincidence, the word verification reminded me of bah humbug..
First of all, I agree with what crayons said. Second, You do have people you can share your life with and who care a great deal for you up here in New Hampshire. Third, yes, I know all too well what it's like trying to appease mom at Christmas time. Tell her you that you've decided to become a shepherd/sheep herder (whatever) and you want sheep. If that doesn't work, try socks. Lastly, try looking at your birthday this way... I will always be soooo much older than you! Happy Birthday you big knucklehead.
Happy Birthday Chris :)
Shouldn't that be "Baa Humbug"?
I'll get my coat.
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