NTSPAMF

There's a very large question mark looming over my head these days. I'm uncertain about my future. Once again I've fallen into the trap of getting my hopes up about something, only to find out that the basket I put my eggs into didn't have a very strong handle. The resulting crash has left with a feeling of not knowing what to do next. I'm contemplating making a move further west. Boulder has turned out to be a place that I don't really fit in to very well. I'm sure the fact that I'm hardly every in my own house has a lot to do with the glut in my social life, but at the same time I don't often cross paths with anyone that I would want to be friends with. I miss nice people, and I'm just not sure there are very many of them around in these here parts.

Moving would also make things easier workwise. I'm at the far edge of the area I cover here, and that's part of the reason why I'm home so infrequently. My travels give me a chance to visit other places. Some cities just give off a certain vibe. I can't really describe it very well, other than to say that they make you feel instantly comfortable. You can detect a 'cool factor'. The people you meet in passing seem like old souls, and you start picturing yourself living in a place like that because it seems so much better than where you currently are.

You know, it's yet another example of 'the grass is greener' syndrome. I've had a pretty chronic case of it for a while now. To me, no matter where I live, the grass will never be as green as it is in the UK.

There's a problem with being social, and enjoying the company of others. While you are in a state of hardly every being around friends, you forget what it feels like to want to be on your own; to take a break and just do your own thing. Conversely, being alone constantly makes you pine for time with your friends. Obviously, there's a balance to be hand, and I don't have that right now. I'm not currently in a state of social equilibrium, and for that reason I feel pretty lonely and out of place.

This is why greener grass syndrome is so bad for me. I know that no matter where I go, I probably won't ever feel as at home as I do in the UK. I worry sometimes that if I ever do get to live there again, that for whatever reason it won't be enough either. But, I've carried around this sense of 'homesickness' for so long now that I find it hard to believe that I'll have any feeling other than complete joy once I'm finally there and in the close proximity of my friends.

I should be able to be happy on my own. And some days I am. Others, not so much. But even on the happy days I can't help but wish that the good experiences I have here were shared with people on the other side of an ocean. This is why the question mark leaves me so unsettled. I just don't know what's going to happen for the rest of the year. I'm my own worst enemy, because i keep waiting for something to just fall into my lap, some easy solution. This prevents me for sorting things out on my own. I wonder how much longer I'll put up with being sullen before I finally make a move.

At least sheep still make me smile.