A farewell to the air mattress

Last night I slept in an actual bed, in my own house. This may not sound remarkable, but consider the fact that for the majority of my tenure here I was sleeping on an air mattress. I was pretty comfortable, I must say. I'd pimped it out with a featherbed top, a nice flannel sheet, and the worlds fluffiest duvet. I'd by lying if I said I didn't have many peaceful nights on it. As an added bonus, I think I actually got stronger legs hoisting myself up from next-to-ground level every morning. But, it was still an air mattress, and I always sort of felt like I was camping in my own house. So, when the opportunity came to get a real box spring and mattress on the cheap from a friend, I jumped. You may recall a similar post the last time I had an actual bed (that lasted about a month). In it, I mentioned that my first night's sleep on it didn't fare to well, and last night was similar. It might be my bed now, but I haven't formed that essential bed/sleeper bond with it yet.

This morning I motivated myself out the door for some snowboarding. What a fantastic day. I went to Loveland ski area, which is on the Continental Divide. At one point, I sat down to lash down my board. When I was done, I just took a look around. I was sitting at 12.040ft with an amazing panorama of white peaks around me. Most of Loveland is above tree line, so the view of the Rocky Mountain peaks was unobstucted at that altitude. I looked to my right at the wall of snow that rose above, and realized I was looking at the very line that delineates the fate of flowing water. Wicked.

The snow is finally starting to melt here in town. People are already back on bikes riding around. Pretty soon I'll be able to attempt a Colorado Epic Day: board in the morning, ride in the afternoon.

For now, I'll be enjoying another night of sleep at an altitude of 3 feet off the floor.

Hard lessons

Human relationships are such frail things. One minute, you think things are fine. The next, everyone has their fur up in a bunch and things are suddenly blown out of proportion. No one can remember exactly how it went wrong. Accusations are made. Defenses are presented, and in the end a bunch of folks are standing around going 'what the fuck just happened?'.

I'm going through this right now. I'm trying very hard to figure out where I am at fault. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't accept the responsibility for their role in things like this. In this particular case, I really have no idea what I did. I thought I was handling things just fine. Being helpful, even. And now, I'm basically not welcome on a forum that I've always held in high regard.

Human relationships on the internet are even more frail than in reality. If I were a sociology major, I could write one hell of a thesis on the interatcions that take place on internet forums. I know I'm not supposed to care, but when the forum involves people you know personally, then the situation takes on a very different look and feel. It's not simply a matter of arguing with some faceless tosspot anymore.

You know what?? I think it's time for me to go a bit incommunicado. Expressing my opinions has caused nothing but grief. I've done far too much talking. I need to get back to making myself happy, and stop relying on the way I'm treated by others for the source of my happiness. I used to be fairly good at this. Lately, so much of how I feel has been tied up in staying in touch with people in far off places, or in seeking recgonition as a resource to other people. I've got to just be me, and if people respond favorably to that, then great. I'm sure no one wants to be around me in my current state of mind. I don't even want to be around myself.

So, if I seem to drop off the face, please don't mistake that for not wanting to hear from people. I just need to get myself back to some state of normalcy before I alienate everyone I care about outside of my family.

$12,877

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've come to a harsh realization. The only person I can depend on, is me. I know this isn't some grand revelation to most people. It isn't even to me, but for the first time I'm taking it personally.

A good friend of mine set me straight on a few things in a rather lengthy email reply to my even more lengthy email rant. In it, she broke down some fundamental differences between men and women. She reminded me that men 'don't spend a single second of the day thinking about our feelings.' It may be a gross generalization, but as my level of life experience grows, I'm beginning to think that there's more truth to this statement than I care to admit. This is where me becoming more cognizant enters the picture. I've been letting things sink in since my initial reading of the email. I've concluded that people really do adopt an 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude. Care and concern only extends so far. The best part of friendship, is the ability to walk away when one feels like the relationship has become too much of a burden. If things can't be shiny and happy, then it's time to cut and run. I waste a lot of time wishing that people would find some value in knowing me.

This isn't an easy pill to swallow. I've always thought that at least someone had my back. How naive was I!?

2007 hasn't started off very well. It's ok though, since my New Year's Resolution means I don't expect anything good to happen. It seems a bit early to start wishing this year were over already, but with the way things are shaping up so far, I get the feeling that it's going to be a rough couple of years for me. One thing I know won't be happening is some massive opening of the floodgates. 'Fine' is going to be my standard answer whenever I'm asked how I'm doing. No one really wants to hear any other answer anyway. The question isn't posed as an inquiry. It's become a longer way to say hi.

Here's the catch: none of this new-found wisdom is going to help get me through the ever-growing list of shit that I've got written down. No one else is going to help me get through it, either. It's all up to me; I'm on my own.

Don't open 'til January 1

Unlike last year, when I decided not to make any resolutions for 2006, I'm going to resolve to do something for the new year.

I resolve to not get my hopes up.

There you have it. I'm not going to get my hopes up about anything. I'm not going to anticipate anything good actually happening to me. I can't remember the last time I foolishly got my hopes up about something and had it work out in my favor. Pretty much everything I've hoped would happen hasn't, and it's left me feeling downtrodden and disappointed.

Now, you may think that this is a lame resolution since it doesn't appear to involve any work. On the contrary. I've always tried to look on the bright side of things..See the silver lining...Glass half full...Remained optimistic, and such. Not hoping for the best will be very difficult for me. So you see, this resolution of mine really does involve a lot of effort on my part. I'm not very good at being negative (at least about anything other than myself). This is a challenge.

You may think that I'm setting myself up for failure; that I'm bound to look forward to something or, at the very least hope that some small thing might work out. It's true, that would constitute a failure to uphold my resolution. I think I can do this though. It's a matter of self-preservation, after all. I'm not sure how much more disappointment and let down I can take.

So, best of luck to everyone in the New Year. I hope all of your resolutions come true.

Wine

Wine is great. It's possible that for the first time ever, I've actually sought the bottle to escape things. It's a good thing I don't have an addictive personality.

I'm in my last week of a long UK visit. It's been as extraordinary as I knew it would be. I didn't need a reminder of why I wanted to be here so badly, but I got one anyway.

The first day of

Long road trip finally over. My last working trip of the year. It wasn't without incident. At 80mph, just outside of Santa Fe, NM, the wheel of the trailer came off. Everything was fine in the end, but it was just one more hassle that I didn't want to have to deal with.

Today, I decided that I was going to treat myself. So I went snowboarding. It was the first time I'd been on the board before Thanksgiving. I went to Loveland because they'd gotten 22 inches of snow a few days ago. It was positively amazing. The snow was great. The sun was shining. I rode very well for the first day on the board since March. Nearly perfect.

In the parking lot I met a newly-retired man and asked him if he'd been to Loveland before. I'd never been there so I was looking for some advice about where I might find the type of terrain I normally like. Later in our conversation he asked me if my name was Allison. I said no and asked him if I looked like an Allison. That's when he said that my personality reminded him of an Allison he knew, and he mentioned my room mates name. I told him she was my room mate and we both marvelled at how small the world really can be. He wound up being my tour guide for the day. I'm sure I had more fun being shown around than I would have if I'd been on my own.

It was one of those days that makes me feel like I really do take advantage of where I am and what I do for a living. Sometimes, anyway. It's Friday, and while so many others were toiling away behind a desk I was out playing in the snow. Most of them will probably go this weekend. I don't have to go on the weekend. Ner nee ner!

Curse of the Whinge Ride

I had one of those rides yesterday where nothing seemed to be in my favor. I was on the road again and planned to do the usual stop in Fruita for a quick ride before pressing farther west. I've been making this a habit, but yesterday I decided to do a different, harder trail than the usual. That was my first mistake. Here's a list of the other things that made the ride one of 'those' days:

My coordination was off
My legs were heavy
My suspension had lost some air
It wasn't as warm as I thought it would be
I looked at every rock I DIDN'T want to hit, and subsequently hit it
Part of the trail was still wet
The sun was in my eyes during what is normally the best part of the ride
My picture taking was crap

Say what you want about the American notion of not riding wet trails, but trust me when I say that you DO NOT want to ride Fruita trails when they are wet. Especially if you plan to ride a trail that is shared by offroad vehicles. All in all, I should have cut bait, but this particular trail (Mack Ridge) is easier once you've passed the techy beginning, and turning around would have been worse than carrying on. It was the first ride in a long time that actually made me feel like it wasn't worth it.

I made up for it today by stopping for an out and back in St. George, UT. The trail I did is an absolute hoot, and it more than made up for my numptiness yesterday.

I embrace the Whinge Ride-an inevitability for all of us who ride bikes-simply because it keeps me humble. Whinge Rides make me appreciate the good rides just a bit more. And well, it keeps the cosmic balance.