Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A farewell to the air mattress

Last night I slept in an actual bed, in my own house. This may not sound remarkable, but consider the fact that for the majority of my tenure here I was sleeping on an air mattress. I was pretty comfortable, I must say. I'd pimped it out with a featherbed top, a nice flannel sheet, and the worlds fluffiest duvet. I'd by lying if I said I didn't have many peaceful nights on it. As an added bonus, I think I actually got stronger legs hoisting myself up from next-to-ground level every morning. But, it was still an air mattress, and I always sort of felt like I was camping in my own house. So, when the opportunity came to get a real box spring and mattress on the cheap from a friend, I jumped. You may recall a similar post the last time I had an actual bed (that lasted about a month). In it, I mentioned that my first night's sleep on it didn't fare to well, and last night was similar. It might be my bed now, but I haven't formed that essential bed/sleeper bond with it yet.

This morning I motivated myself out the door for some snowboarding. What a fantastic day. I went to Loveland ski area, which is on the Continental Divide. At one point, I sat down to lash down my board. When I was done, I just took a look around. I was sitting at 12.040ft with an amazing panorama of white peaks around me. Most of Loveland is above tree line, so the view of the Rocky Mountain peaks was unobstucted at that altitude. I looked to my right at the wall of snow that rose above, and realized I was looking at the very line that delineates the fate of flowing water. Wicked.

The snow is finally starting to melt here in town. People are already back on bikes riding around. Pretty soon I'll be able to attempt a Colorado Epic Day: board in the morning, ride in the afternoon.

For now, I'll be enjoying another night of sleep at an altitude of 3 feet off the floor.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hard lessons

Human relationships are such frail things. One minute, you think things are fine. The next, everyone has their fur up in a bunch and things are suddenly blown out of proportion. No one can remember exactly how it went wrong. Accusations are made. Defenses are presented, and in the end a bunch of folks are standing around going 'what the fuck just happened?'.

I'm going through this right now. I'm trying very hard to figure out where I am at fault. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't accept the responsibility for their role in things like this. In this particular case, I really have no idea what I did. I thought I was handling things just fine. Being helpful, even. And now, I'm basically not welcome on a forum that I've always held in high regard.

Human relationships on the internet are even more frail than in reality. If I were a sociology major, I could write one hell of a thesis on the interatcions that take place on internet forums. I know I'm not supposed to care, but when the forum involves people you know personally, then the situation takes on a very different look and feel. It's not simply a matter of arguing with some faceless tosspot anymore.

You know what?? I think it's time for me to go a bit incommunicado. Expressing my opinions has caused nothing but grief. I've done far too much talking. I need to get back to making myself happy, and stop relying on the way I'm treated by others for the source of my happiness. I used to be fairly good at this. Lately, so much of how I feel has been tied up in staying in touch with people in far off places, or in seeking recgonition as a resource to other people. I've got to just be me, and if people respond favorably to that, then great. I'm sure no one wants to be around me in my current state of mind. I don't even want to be around myself.

So, if I seem to drop off the face, please don't mistake that for not wanting to hear from people. I just need to get myself back to some state of normalcy before I alienate everyone I care about outside of my family.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've come to a harsh realization. The only person I can depend on, is me. I know this isn't some grand revelation to most people. It isn't even to me, but for the first time I'm taking it personally.

A good friend of mine set me straight on a few things in a rather lengthy email reply to my even more lengthy email rant. In it, she broke down some fundamental differences between men and women. She reminded me that men 'don't spend a single second of the day thinking about our feelings.' It may be a gross generalization, but as my level of life experience grows, I'm beginning to think that there's more truth to this statement than I care to admit. This is where me becoming more cognizant enters the picture. I've been letting things sink in since my initial reading of the email. I've concluded that people really do adopt an 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude. Care and concern only extends so far. The best part of friendship, is the ability to walk away when one feels like the relationship has become too much of a burden. If things can't be shiny and happy, then it's time to cut and run. I waste a lot of time wishing that people would find some value in knowing me.

This isn't an easy pill to swallow. I've always thought that at least someone had my back. How naive was I!?

2007 hasn't started off very well. It's ok though, since my New Year's Resolution means I don't expect anything good to happen. It seems a bit early to start wishing this year were over already, but with the way things are shaping up so far, I get the feeling that it's going to be a rough couple of years for me. One thing I know won't be happening is some massive opening of the floodgates. 'Fine' is going to be my standard answer whenever I'm asked how I'm doing. No one really wants to hear any other answer anyway. The question isn't posed as an inquiry. It's become a longer way to say hi.

Here's the catch: none of this new-found wisdom is going to help get me through the ever-growing list of shit that I've got written down. No one else is going to help me get through it, either. It's all up to me; I'm on my own.