Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I can not tell a lie...

Things here in Boulder are great! Almost as great as sheep, in fact.

There's a slew of people that I know here, and everyone seems to be back in town from whatever race/event/vacation they were attending. I don't think my phone has ever been so busy with calls and messages from people who want to get together. It's been almost as regular a social calendar as my time in the UK. And, these are good people as well. I have to say that I enjoy spending time with them as much as my friends in England and well, I really love those guys so that's saying a lot. The weather has been good, and I've done some riding. All in all, it's been a really great week so far and it promises to continue on that course.

All this socializing doesn't leave much time for thinking. Nevertheless, my mind does drift, and seeing pictures from SSMM has ensured the continuation of that line of thinking. I can't believe it's already been a year since I was picking off the 38 ticks that latched on to me while I was setting up my section of the course. I really missed being there again this year. And obviously, a lot can happen in a year. I remember how I felt then, and I remember the state of my relationship. It was so much different, and at the time I really couldn't seen any sort of end in sight. I haven't quite stopped asking myself 'why?' yet. There's no obvioius explanation, and I don't think there will be. For that reason, I might never be able to resolve the why.

I'm happy that invites to the UK still stand. I will be coming back, I just don't know when right now. I'm trying not to think too far in advance. Aside from one very obvious thing, what's happening in the here and now is really good, and a very welcome relief from what otherwise would be a terribly difficult time.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings' end

It's been a really busy couple of weeks ova heah. We just finished Ride the Rockies, which is a week long road riding tour around Colorado. I decided to try and make it a week to try and regain some form of (what little) fitness I had before getting sick, so I wound up riding four out of the seven days on the trip (one day was a trip to Fruita). The days were long and busy. We'd wake up around 6:30 every morning, hang around until about 9 or so for people who needed air in their tires, then we'd head out to the expo area for that days' ride end, set up our stuff, and then work until around 7 or 8. After riding I ususally didn't sit down until the end of the evening. I'm not sure at this point what was more taxing, the riding or the working.

So something has ended that has left me a little {insert adjective here}...I think I may have already run the gamut of the 'grieving process', with the exception of maybe anger and I doubt that I'll be feeling that. I'm blown away by how people work sometimes. I don't understand the walls that people build around themselves, and in turn make them completely incapable of feeling something very basic-like happiness-for an extended period of time. At this point, I'm just very sad for the loss of something that at one time was so very great. I'm sad for the memories that I thought would be created from things that now probably won't happen. I'm sad that I couldn't do anything to prevent this; I couldn't do anything to help make things better. I'm sad that there's no good reason for it to have happened in the first place. I'm sad that it ended due to a factor that was completely out of my control. I'm sad that it was, in essence, fear that caused it to end. I'm sad because I now feel an uncertainty about 'what happens next'. I'm sad because someone else is, too.

Maybe I take my own emotional at-ease for granted. Perhaps I assume too much that it should be easy for people to express what's going on in their head. I rarely feel at a loss for words, and it's exceptionally difficult for me to understand how it's possible for someone to be able to say "that tree is green" in such a way that it moves people, yet not be able to put into words their own feelings, particularly to someone they care about.

Despite the amount of grey matter that I'm using in thinking about this, I don't think I'm dwelling on it. Ultimately, there is nothing I can do, so I'm just trying to take one day at a time as usual. I'm fortunate to be in Colorado for a while, around people that I know and like very much, and in a setting that has long been among my favorite places.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Step 1: Admit you have a problem

The feeling of helplessness can manifest itself in many ways and many circumstances. Sometimes you can feel helpless to help yourself, and other times you can feel helpless to do something to improve the life of someone else. It always sucks.

I'm feeling helpless right now. Not about myself, though. There's someone close to me that's going through a rough time by having to deal with many things at once. These are things that I know, without a doubt, that I could make better. At the very least I could contribute to the reduction of stress that's being felt. I can't take any action though, because there's a big 'ole ocean sitting between us. So, I'm left with nothing but words to use as aid. This is where my helplessness really kicks in. If I were there, I could just do stuff. Instead, I'm left with having to write down some ideas for what can be done. A person has to be willing to make changes though, and I'm not sure that's something that this friend can make himself do.

Sometimes it's easier to just maintain the status quo and be miserable, than it is to expend any more energy to try and make things easier.


On a happier note, I had two sheep sightings on the drive to Denver from Texas. It's always nice to see sheep, especially during a long drive. Sheep are great, you know.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

I guess emotions can be like a light switch

So we're back in Tayhas yet again, but this time in Austin. We decided that we were going to make ourselves go out in non-logoed clothes, and actually check out some night life. We were directed to 6th street, which as it turns out is basically lined on both sides with one bar after another. I can't figure out how anyone would be able to designate one as their 'favorite'.

We walked up and down for a bit looking for a place to get some food, and wound up in Buffalo Billiards. It was an alright place with good burgers and pool tables. They also had an air hockey table that of course, was out of order. Denied.

I was reminded that bar hopping is not my scene. In hindsight, I feel like I tolerated it for the sake of doing something social. I really don't think that the people around us were the type that either of us really would hang out with. None of the guys in these places are the kind that I'd want to chat with, and I'm sure the same is true of me for them. I did actually flirt with a guy that served us ice cream. It was fun, and he was the first person that was worth the effort that I've seen in a while.
We passed a punk bar on the way back to the car that I would have gone in were it not for the early wake up the next morning. It gave me flashbacks to my office job days where I spent a lot of time feeling like a fish out of water, and unable to relate to most of the people around me. All in all, I'm looking forward to getting to Boulder where we'll have a chance to hang out with some people that we already like.

We start the drive to Colorado tomorrow, which is something we are both looking forward to. Then I'm off home to visit mom and dad for a few days and to deal with what I'm sure is a huge pile of mail. I might actually get to ride my bike, too.

Thursday, June 02, 2005


Got back to southern California today. The smog cloud started about 45 miles outside of the LA suburbs (which are another 40 miles from downtown). There's a lot of people here that think this is the best place on Earth to live. I think my lungs might have some objection to that notion.

Made a stop in Tucson the other night to stay with Rudi and Aimee. Really quality people...very warm and welcoming and generally easy to talk to. Rudi showed me a new painting he did that has a rider going over the heads of babies. You know, 'baby heads'. It's great. I showed them the pictures from the Morzine trip and while doing so Rudi grabbed some A4 paper and a Sharpie and started mad sketching some of the images he saw on the screen. By the end of it he had about 10 pieces of paper with these really cool Sharpie interpretations of the pics. He gave me a couple of them that I will hopefully be able to show RHS and SexMidget. One is a shot of RHS similar to the one below, but from later in the day when he was looking back at me while in mid air, and the other is of Midge jumping a gap. Not sure if either of them know Rudi's work, although it's hard to miss it if one is a regular reader of Dirt Rag. I'll be seeing them again one more time on the way back to Texas. Hopefully we'll get a ride in this time.

I'm just about over my battle with pneumonia. I'll be on to a different fight soon to try and regain any semblance of fitness that I may have once had. I miss my singlespeed, although right now would be a terrible time for me to ride it. We're coming up on spending a few weeks in Colorado. Hopefully I'll have gotten in some miles before then. Subjecting myself to altitude just after a serious respiratory ailment without at least starting to get fit is not something I'm looking forward to. The number of people in Boulder that I'll get to see is pretty exciting though.

Right, I'm going to end this entry. I'm pretty wiped out and feel myself just rambling.