Saturday, February 11, 2006

My Secret Life

I recently realized that I prefer crispy bacon now. I didn't always. When I was growing up, the Saturday ritual of pancakes and bacon would not be right if my request for bacon 'tough and chewy' wasn't fulfilled. My dad was an expert in custom bacon orders. It was always my mom who liked it nearly burnt. I haven't quite flip flopped that far, but I definitely like a little crunch in the munch. It got me thinking about other things that have changed as time has moved forward. I've also just started developing a taste for raw red onions on sandwiches. Just a few, mind...let's not get carried away. I've been giving some thought to getting a different sort of highlights in my hair. I've been working this 'almost blonde' thing for a while now, and I've caught myself toying with the idea of doing something a little more...dramatic. Like magenta, or some such.

I watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics on tv tonight. I really do like the Olympics. I think it's because it gives me some sense of hope that for these few weeks, everyone sets aside their differences to pursue a common gold. I could be glorifying things a great deal, but I've been to an Olympics. Four years ago, I went to Salt Lake to see the games. The air really is charged with loads of positive vibes at the Games. Of course, for a while I was dwelling on the fact that it's already been four flippin' years since I was hiking up to the top of the bobsled run. Four years ago, I was in the thick of my salad days in New York. Things were great, and I can still remember very clearly feelling out of place to a degree.

I'm trying to figure out where I actually belong. I feel like a bit of an alien when I'm in Boulder. New Jersey, although a place that will always be where I'm from, is not a place I can see myself being. It's weird enough coming to visit. My job puts me in front of people who I'm sure know more than I do. In the UK I'm still a foreigner, no matter how accepted I may wish to be. Even the Touareg is starting to agitate my back. I'd like to establish some roots of my own. I just need to figure out where those roots should be. I know where I want to be right now, but the Gods have asked that I be patient, for what I'm not entirely sure. I've had mostly good things happen in my life. Some that I hoped for, and others that were nice surprises. I'm afraid that this time, the one thing I really want won't happen because I do hope for it so much.

Four years ago, I had very different ideas about where I wanted to be. Like the bacon choice, it was a far cry from where my head is now. I'm wondering if all of this is some sort of tectonic shift in my life, or if I'm just making larger changes (I used to cringe at the idea of onions on a sandwhich) than normal. Obviously, my idea of 'large change' and er, the rest of the worlds idea are pretty far apart.

Still, I can't shake this eternal optimism I have. Funny that, since I tend to harbor such negative feelings about myself. I still think things are going to be ok.

'Course they could be pretty tough and chewy before then.

6 comments:

Simon said...

Crispy bacon = bad
Raw onion = good

Glad you're back online :)

matt said...

" The air really is charged with loads of positive vibes at the Games. "

that'll be the snowboarder's :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Chris, listen to sunscreen by Baz Lerhman, sums it up really. It's a weird feeling when you realise your life is changing direction, home isn't home anymore and the future is uncertain, having plans that rely on things slotting into place, things over which you have no control. It's the scariest feeling I have ever come across, stress, worry, self doubt. But as you say at the back of your mind there is a feeling that it's going to be ok. Maybe not as you planned but it's heading to a good place? Don't go dark red though, that's a colour for menopausal women trying to be funky.

take care mate, crayons x

G as in Chris said...

Simon, you forget that we are talking about two different types of bacon here. :~)

Simon said...

Does American bacon come from cows?

Dave said...

Bacon - Chicken of the sty

;o)