The Continuing Saga of the Dateless Wonder

Been a while since I did a 'pensive post'. Seems like spending yet another Friday night sat on the couch is as good a time as any.

So what's the deal with acceptance? Specifically, what is it about human nature...Ok, I won't make any blanket statement here, I'll narrow it down to my nature. So what it is with MY nature that leads to a desire to be accepted? Actually, that's sort of a broad generalization. I don't care about being accepted by everyone.

I think I'm having an identity crisis. It has to do with the company I work for and how it's generally regarded in the world of bike culture. It's not held in very high regard. It bothers me. I think the reason it is even on my mind is because I spent a short while in the limbo between the racer set and industry crowd: the journalist world.

Now I read things that other people write about the company I work for and I get this feeling that I'll be judged. I get the same feeling about people I met before I took this job that would now change their opinion of me based on their preconceived notions about the company at large.

I'm not entirely sure why I even care. Herein lies the internal conflict. I'm more than happy to be doing what I do. I genuinely like the people I work with. I understand that Trek, being the large bike company that it is, will probably never be 'worthy' of the Kool Kids Klub. I don't know why I have this desire to be part of the er, KKK. I guess that's the acceptance problem.

The truth is, I do care. That's just stupid. One of the main reasons I'm leaving Boulder is because people here aren't very welcoming. I don't know why it bothers me that similar, narrow-minded people making assumptions about the company I work for and the fact that I work there, would look at me with an air of disdain or thumb their noses at me. I do not want to be friends with people like that. What is my problem!?

Insecurity is the root, I'm sure. That old, nasty foe that I feel like I am constantly fighting. I'm working on it. And as it relates to this issue, I have some amazing friends. The best friends I've ever had in my lifetime are people I've met in the last 4 or 5 years. If they were the last people I became friends with, I'd be perfectly fine. I suppose having such limited time with them is part of why I have any hang ups about people I am merely acquainted with, or don't know at all. If I were secure enough, I'd be able to laugh it off. Outwardly, I really don't have any problem doing that.

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Well, since my internet crashed last night and I could post this, I've had a night to sleep on it. I'm not sure I have any clarity this morning. I resolve to just be myself and not worry so much about what the peanut gallery thinks.

Now I'm going on a 'bonking ride'. Obviously, that has different connotations to some than it does over here (fanny pack?). I've just woken up, and now I'm going to ride for an hour on an empty stomach.

Better living through bike riding.