Skeletons in the closet

I started downsizing tonight. Being on the move for the better part of four years really teaches you just how much you can do without. Now that I'm back where the majority of my stuff lives, I face the prospect of sorting through it all and figuring out what I want to take to Boulder. I knew going into this process how I was going to feel: I have way too much crap. I feel like I should be selective as I'm sifting through it and see if there's anything I can sell. What I really want to do is just put everything is trash bags and set it out on the curb for collection. But, I'm trying to be less wasteful.

I'm also trying to not hold onto things 'just in case'. All of the suits and clothes I acquired during my Wall Street years have pretty much been collecting dust since the end of 2003. Going through them has been...weird. It seems like a lifetime ago when those items were my 'uniform'. I never fancied myself to be much of a suit person. I didn't hate it then, but I just can't imagine myself in them at this point. I'm a tad bummed, because some of the work clothes I have I really like. I splurged on really nice shirts a few times, and wish I still had reason to wear them. I suppose they'd look fine with jeans.

The whole thing really has me thinking about how much my life has changed over the past few years. I honestly think that , with the exception of a few patches of crab grass in the lawn of life, I've never been happier.

Random late night blogger

With all the misery and negativity I spew on here, I thought it only fitting that I should write about something that has brought me joy. I felt so compelled to write this that I actually got myself out of bed. I was suffering yet another night of being unable to settle my brain down enough to fall asleep. So, rather than roll around for a second hour, I got up and came downstairs to punch some keys.

I think I've figured out the most prominent reason why I miss the UK so much. I realized this as I was tossing and turning and reflecting on the days events. I was reminded today by two people during two unrelated conversations, just why I love my friends so much. This got me thinking about how my chats today are concominant with emails and comments I've gotten from others. Simply put, I have great, and I mean GREAT friends. Not only do I think my friends are great in their relationships with me, but I enjoy watching the interactoins that take place between everyone. It's quite a posse I've found myself in. My sweeping eagerness to return to a country that has welcomed me so has everything to do with the friends I have there. I just want to see everyone. I want to do the usual rides, and visit the usual pubs, and just sit back and listen and take it all in.

I shouldn't have taken my time for granted so much. I wasn't anticipating an end. or this much of a hiatus between visits. I feel like I should have done a better job of 'living in the now' when I was there, and really appreciating the time I spent with everyone. It was all so much fun!

Yes, I will keep taking pictures Steve, but I don't think I'll stop wanting to impress you with them.

Yes, I was changed by my time there because of the people I met, even you Brant. ;~)

Damn you all for being so nice to me, and for being so fantastic in general.

Lindsey Lobster Claw

It seems that I should post something new, yet I am feeling a profound lack of anything worthwhile to say. Like normal, then!

New Orleans is a mess, as is most of the I-10 corridor. Lots of questions being raised...why did people stay, why do people live there in the first place, how long will it take for things to get back to normal. I want to feel sympathy. I really want to feel genuinely bad for the people who are now displaced. Truth is though, I don't feel as bad as I ought to, and that makes me feel pretty lousy. I can't really put my finger on why, either. I certainly wouldn't have wished this on anyone, and I'm not happy that it's happened. Maybe some of my reaction, or lack thereof, has to do with the fact that I've never enjoyed any time I spent in New Orleans, or that part of the country. If the same thing had happened to where I'm from, then I would probably want people to feel my pain, and to be sympathetic and willing to help however they can. I just feel disconnected from that part of the country, I guess.

I'm visiting my sister in New Hampshire again. Aside from the humidity, it's really nice here. I always enjoy coming here. I'm off home to Boulder next week, and I'll be spending some time with a few of my UK pals at SITS in Winter Park. I'm VERY much looking forward to that. The only bummer is that I have to drive myself out there...again. I'm so tempted to just buy a plane ticket. I have to keep reminding myself that I need the car to be in Colorado.

I haven't been riding enough, and I haven't been taking any pictures. I'm starting to get the shakes twice over.

I suppose that's it for now. My body hasn't adjusted to being in the Eastern time zone, so I'm off for another difficult night of getting to sleep.

Would you like some curry with that?

Two posts in a row? Don't get used to it...

I made an absolute crap curry for dinner tonight. I'm sure it was my worst ever. I didn't have the right spices (like curry) and wound up making something way too hot. I was bummed, especially as I was cooking for friends. Ah well, better luck next time.

Chrissy and I did some quick shopping in downtown Victoria today. She took me to the British Candies shop where I scored some Malteasers, some treacle toffee, dark chocolate Digestives, and some Yorkshire tea. I actually passed on the Jaffa Cakes (no idea why), and was denied the Tangfastics. We hit this t-shirt shop which has to be the best I've been in ever. I scored a shirt with Shaun, the sheep from Wallace and Gromit on the front. Sweet! Sheep are great. After that, she treated me to a massage with her local massage guy. He's an ex-pat Scotsman who's lived in Victoria for many years. Nice man, great massage, and my favorite accent.

Still wondering when I'm going to shake this feeling of homesickness. Everyday I wake up wondering if I'm going to feel differently, and I don't. What makes me happy is knowing that there's a collection of people who seem to genuinely want me back as well. I keep thinking a year is a long way off for any sort of permanent return, but I'm going to be so busy between now and then that the time will be upon me before I know it. A lot can happen in a year. I hope that this time next year I'm still feeling as strong a desire to relocate as I do now, and I hope that I have the job support to make the move.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the demise of my relationship. I'm definitely not over it and I still have periods of real sadness. I've tried to avoid letting conversations with others dwell on something that I still can't change, but it seems that everyone has some light to shed on the subject. I do appreciate this, although sometimes it leaves more questions than answers. I'm still left with a general lack of understanding, particularly since the frequency of my conversations with CC has increased of late. I think it was Jo who asked if it would be easier if all conversation had ceased. I think that would be worse since then I would feel that I'd not only lost a partner, but also a friend. What I do know is that my desire to return to the UK has nothing to do with him. I've thought long and hard about this. I wanted to make sure that my intentions were based on something other than any sort of hope that the relationship would be rekindled. I think I've worked that out.

More than anything, I'm grateful for the show of support that I've gotten from my friends. I was terribly paranoid that the end of things with *insert name here* would mean the end of all the friendships I'd formed with people I truly adore. Thanks to all of you! My next visit can't come soon enough.

Right, so no worries...I'm still having fun out here. As always, this blog is a place for me to simply vent some of the darker thoughts that run through my head. Life is generally great for me right now, and all indications point to it continuing to be so.

Across the border

So I'm up at Chrissy's house in BC for a few days. Crossing the border was a nice feeling. It's not quite the same as exiting an airplane that's just flown over an ocean, though. Still, this isn't the States and there are a lot of reasons why that makes me very happy. What I have noticed here is that there is a lot of UK influence around. Canada still maintains a noticeably strong tie to the Empire, which for me is somewhat of a double edged sword. There seem to be a lot of "British" pubs in downtown Victoria, but I'm not sure how many of them serve English beer.

I rode my first BC trails yesterday. I have to say that it's an awful lot like Colorado, except for the enormous drops and big jumps that are scattered among the trail system. As Judd put it, "Cross country trails here are like downhill trails everywhere else." He's not far off. He and Chrissy took it easy on me though. Once again I've managed to get myself into quite a fix hanging around with two pro riders, one of whom is a pro downhiller. Still, they've been coaching me to try some new things, including my foray into the foam pit tonight. I don't know if I'll ever be able to hit big dirt jumps, but maybe this will help me with some small stuff.

Last week at the Trek HQ was extremely busy. We were on the go all the time, and had no personal time, unless you count the 10 minutes before we went to bed. A few of my days started at 4:30am and lasted until nearly midnight. I'm having a hard time catching up on sleep. There were a couple of high points during the week though. One was seeing Bob Roll and hanging out with him some, and the other was meeting the folks from Trek UK. I've put a bug into as many ears as possible on their side to let them know that I would like to come and work on that side of the pond. I've gotten a lot of support from my boss here. I think she can tell how much I'd like to be there, and truth be told I have really enjoyed working for Trek. It's a relationship that I don't want to end simply because I'd feel happier living somewhere else. I'm hoping to leverage the two things.

Speaking of living somewhere else...before last year I spent the better part of four years trying to move to Colorado. Now I'm there (sort of) and I still feel the urge to return to the UK. I'm not sure what you people did to me while I was there, but something must have been in the Kool-Aid! I dunno, maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. In this case it certainly is, metaphorically and literally.

Bring on the end of October!

It's the pleats

Quick post.

Back in the Land of Cheese for the annual sales meeting. So far it's been a lot of work, and it doesn't really kick off until tomorrow. Chrissy was on a plane with all the Trek UK people. Another reminder...

I'm feeling pretty excited about the week ahead, and feeling an equal amount of dread for next weekend. There's a lot of crap work to do.

That's it for now. Off to bed.

"Either way, someone's gettin' their ass pounded."

I'm locked in the throes of a personal battle. Facing insecurities could possibly be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I think I've pinpointed the origin of where my low self-esteem started. Suffice to say it was years ago, and I've gone back and forth since then between being really secure and being well, not so secure about myself. Right now I'm in one of those 'not so much' phases. I can't figure out why I'm getting the best of myself right now, either. I've just started making the move to Boulder, I really like this town, I really like my place, and I have an ace roommate. Things have fallen into place so easily that it's alarming. Yet, over the past few days I've been letting a feeling of lonliness get the better of me. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I was thrown out of what I thought was a good relationship, and I've been asking myself what I could have done to prevent it. Mostly, I think that I just wasn't good enough. Not being good enough has been a pretty common theme for me when it comes to relationships. I've been plagued by having a slew of friends who are much more...desireable, shall we say. Sometimes being a tower over all of your shorter, cuter friends has major drawbacks. And, like someone else I know, I don't think I'm willing to compromise myself, at least not in a way that makes me temporarily attractive during one night out on the lash. I certainly can't do anything about my height, and being tall is an aspect that I've learned to embrace for the most part.

I'm really just having a pity party for myself at the moment. I'm pretty sure that it stems from yet another rejection from someone with whom I shared a long relationship. My reaction to it ending has evolved very slowly, and I think what I'm experiencing now is a delayed sorrow. I think this phase is even worse than the "day after" part. On top of that, I'm feeling pretty cut off from my friends, despte the fact that we keep in touch regularly. It seems that I need a big group hug.

I haven't gotten to see enough sheep, either.