Sunday, June 26, 2005

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings' end

It's been a really busy couple of weeks ova heah. We just finished Ride the Rockies, which is a week long road riding tour around Colorado. I decided to try and make it a week to try and regain some form of (what little) fitness I had before getting sick, so I wound up riding four out of the seven days on the trip (one day was a trip to Fruita). The days were long and busy. We'd wake up around 6:30 every morning, hang around until about 9 or so for people who needed air in their tires, then we'd head out to the expo area for that days' ride end, set up our stuff, and then work until around 7 or 8. After riding I ususally didn't sit down until the end of the evening. I'm not sure at this point what was more taxing, the riding or the working.

So something has ended that has left me a little {insert adjective here}...I think I may have already run the gamut of the 'grieving process', with the exception of maybe anger and I doubt that I'll be feeling that. I'm blown away by how people work sometimes. I don't understand the walls that people build around themselves, and in turn make them completely incapable of feeling something very basic-like happiness-for an extended period of time. At this point, I'm just very sad for the loss of something that at one time was so very great. I'm sad for the memories that I thought would be created from things that now probably won't happen. I'm sad that I couldn't do anything to prevent this; I couldn't do anything to help make things better. I'm sad that there's no good reason for it to have happened in the first place. I'm sad that it ended due to a factor that was completely out of my control. I'm sad that it was, in essence, fear that caused it to end. I'm sad because I now feel an uncertainty about 'what happens next'. I'm sad because someone else is, too.

Maybe I take my own emotional at-ease for granted. Perhaps I assume too much that it should be easy for people to express what's going on in their head. I rarely feel at a loss for words, and it's exceptionally difficult for me to understand how it's possible for someone to be able to say "that tree is green" in such a way that it moves people, yet not be able to put into words their own feelings, particularly to someone they care about.

Despite the amount of grey matter that I'm using in thinking about this, I don't think I'm dwelling on it. Ultimately, there is nothing I can do, so I'm just trying to take one day at a time as usual. I'm fortunate to be in Colorado for a while, around people that I know and like very much, and in a setting that has long been among my favorite places.


Fat Lad said...

Sorry to see you sad.

Fat lad

Dan Lees said...

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings' end

I'm sorry but there is no excuse for quoting Semisonic lyrics.